Saturday, July 9, 2011
I found myself in a daze somewhere
Another first month of the new year
Descended as a flash upon me
And all at once, I no longer cared to define
The rampant nature of temptation
As a hindering presence to destroy me.
I was young and eager back then
A selfish god
An invincible creature for whom the law held no regard
The sun held not a sway upon me
For all I knew was desire
Aching in my cracking bones so generously infused
With the marrow of what is too often called
The sins of the father, the wisdom I possess,
Yet chose so blatantly to ignore out of defiance.
I held a certain fondness for music played
Upon my tender heart strings
And a song to bind me, gag me
And drag me deep into the being of the one performing
In a place where I would be held captive
At the whims of a wrathful incubus
Among a pitch black room
Where the only sound I could behold
From un-mercied ears was weeping and thrashing
In sadistic, torturous pleasure until such time
That I would beg him to stop.
This angel once played strings for me,
And so I was swept away.
I am the prisoner of a young man
Dangerous but all too tempting
He lacks understanding
He lacks my fear
But somehow I am complacent
For he approaches unto me
With lustful eyes, and his heart
(What a heart!)
Entrenched in a fire of passion’s reach
To fulfill our senseless desires.
The newly-christened creature
Bites rabidly into my tender neck
Arousing forbiddence into my body
As that music again becomes a venom
To tear me down from the tree
And down upon the ground
He has struck my Achilles heel
And the serpent will rise to strike him back!
We are festered deep in the knowledge
Of sin and well-versed in classic moves
As overplayed as any century has seen before
Like a rehearsed ceremony of dogma
Moaning disgusting intent,
Though we each claim devotion
To a creator somewhere up in the sky
Too clouded to see
With our vision so tainted by ritualistic cleansing
And the dispersal of seed down our curious throats.
I was soon enough scolded like a child
When erratic rebuttals
Chewed their way through my ears
And soon I began to drift away
Through the broken wake of yet another year
Crossed in peril, the bitter fate encapsulated
By greedy lust, all too damning a testimony
To the effigy of what already was.
I set out to experience the life
I never chose to live
Friends who could pass through
In only one night
So consumed with the bottled poison was I
To draw two others of inebriated, false joy
Into an old fantasy barbaric
And carefully crafted to herald
A brief demise of sorts which I soon came
I was afraid to love you see,
For I had seen such downfalls
In its contradicting name.
I wandered lost among the blackness
Of a sweet nothing with no comforting tune
To carry me along the road of perdition,
Awakening each day only to fall asleep again
With the expectation of dying in my dreams.
So like a walking plague did I become,
Adamant in my ways and set on the path
I was led to travel, alone and angered by the unknown.
Sickness could take me,
I would not have cared
For still I was a stubborn child
Who viewed death as a welcome liberation
From the bitter reality I refused to live in,
A place that perhaps I still have yet
To fully capture and comprehend.
Some days I feel it is still asserting itself upon me.
The twitching of my sex,
The generous laughing of the devil’s minions
Inside me, crawling beneath flesh
As if entrapped in a mortal prison
Wishing to be set free from the dormant
And deepest fissures of my cavity-ridden chest.
Like a bad, cheating lover
He forsakes commitment
For fear of rejection
And feels too content in worshiping
The body with all his blatant refusals and
Denials of weakened faith
Only to plead his repentance in confusion
Where beauty ends.
How far doth the soul reach?
Life is none more than the BODY,
That’s all the truly matters,
We have plenty of time to love the soul
(If indeed there is an afterlife!)
Oh shut up!
Here and now…
What is “here” and what is “now”?
The passing of life itself is lacking
Rationality a perplexing concept
And who cares to try anyway,
What significance is there
When we have all of eternity…
Perhaps life is floating,
Just an ocean and nothing more,
Yet in whose deepest depths
We may find ourselves.
It’s shit, you understand!
“Forgive you for what,
You trampled the rose to
Come back again?”
I cry at the doorstep
Of hopeless pity
And say such vain prayers
By which to summon love,
Save my body from
Sick, lustful damnation
But tomorrow I shall just as easily
Give myself over in surrender to
Strong bodies and betraying fools!
Were I not so swayed by the moon,
I may yet learn to forsake man’s nature
And the tasteless tricks of the mind from whence
I dance and dazzle seduction
In tender hearts and vacant eyes
Searching for truth or meaning
When all I may provide is
The destruction of natural heartbeats
To blind downcast lovers and lions
Into gentle submission,
I will shut their mouths.
But being in the dark,
What assurance have I
Here, now, upon this very night?
With the coming of the next sun,
I find myself torn limb from limb
As the crows upon their perches
Laugh down at me and spit
The rotting flesh back in my face.
The quicksand catches,
For though I run
I sink like a stone as they cry out
“Oh ye of little faith!”
Shouldn’t have looked, boy. Shouldn’t have looked.
- Excerpted from my poetry series The Great Ascension.